Tag Archives: Funny

Hungry Gorilla Bastard

 

Just in time for Way Back Wednesday …
Hungry Gorilla
“I had been talking to this guy for about 3 months and he just had a birthday. I didn’t think much of this guy in terms of his looks. He was skinny, hairy, smelled a little funny and just plain ugly. What had attracted me was that he was kind to me and was easy to talk to. I mean ugly people need love too, right?
I decided to cut class with him and go to his house. This was all my idea. Bad little girl I was. I thought it would be a nice birthday gift for him and an experience for me. He was gonna be the second guy I have sex with and I hoped for success. The guy I had lost it to before was never able to give me an orgasm or give me a hint of pleasure. I had hoped that this guy would be able to.
On our way to his house, he asked if I wanted something to eat. I told him: “No thanks”. He himself was hungry and I was shocked he didn’t eat anything. He loved to eat and was always eating, as a matter of fact, but I guess he just went with the flow. We just went straight to his house, where no one was home, or expected to be home, until the evening.
We popped Dirty Dancing into the DVD player (My choice of film). We were in his living room surrounded by photos of him family and dolls his mother use to collect. We started to make out, and it was those make out sessions where you know you’re gonna get some, lots of tongue and intense, as we sat on a Lazy Boy chair from the 80’s. I thought “this is it”. I was completely ready. I shaved my cookie, my armpits, legs, even my ass crack (not for back door action but just because I wanted to be hairless and perfect). I thought we could do it on the chair to be more exciting but he decided to move to his room halfway through getting naked. I left my shoes, jeans and top in the living room. He carried my fat ass to his room, which was awkward, but again, I wanted a full blown romantic experience. This again was suppose to be his birthday gift, but why couldn’t I have things done for me too. Shit, I mean he was ugly. He was lucky to have me.
It was time. We were on the double bed. He was on top of me we kissed heavily until he put on a condom. He was getting in the mood by rubbing his penis on my pussy lips. I was happy he wasn’t small like the other guy. I just kept thinking: “I can’t wait to cum”. He put my hand on his cock. ‘This is thicker’ – I thought. I would jerk it a little bit and give it back to him. LOL. Thinking about it now, I guess he wanted me to stick it in myself, but I didn’t get that back then. Finally he put it in and was moving.
After about 3 minutes he stops.
I asked him: “What’s wrong?”.
He looked up at me and said: “I can’t keep going.”
I thought he came, but then he says “I’m hungry”.
He did not mean hungry for a mouthful of vagina or ass. He was hungry for food. He gave me a quick hug or whatever and hopped off. I had no choice but to stay wet and horny while he ate some cereal. Yes, this happened. This happened to me.
Later on after all that ‘excitement’ we were still not dressed. I decided to hop on myself and make this happen. We already made the effort to cut class and get that alone time in. I hopped on his dick and started riding it. He moaned and made love faces and slapped the condom on. I thought ‘okay, this is good’. Then the apartment door opened. We were no longer alone and my orgasm goal failed. We never attempted to fuck again and I just deaded him completely. Happy birthday you hungry gorilla bastard.”
-Dirty Diva

The Dick Whisperer

It’s pretty safe to say that I’ve been around the block a few times. I’m not ashamed of it – I looove me some penis. However, in that same token, I honestly do wonder if I’m able to differentiate between penises, if they were put in front of me and I was supposed to tell them apart without being able to actually see them. I’ve only recently began to expand my penis repertoire (I always stuck to what I knew; I like to ‘play it safe”), so I can’t say I know a lot about cocks from different countries aside from the stereotypes I’ve heard.

Below is a video that I literally almost PEED MY FUCKING PANTS at while watching. Two women are blindfolded and they are asked to identify the dude’s nationality based on his penis. All I’m gonna say is.. I wish I were the woman to have created the name “The Dick Whisper”. Shit I wish I were that woman. LMAO.

BEST. VIDEO. EVER.

Do you think that you’d be able to tell the difference between the penises? Let us know in the comments below!

– Dirty Diva

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

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Of my entire crew, I’m the self proclaimed freakazoid. I love sex and everything about it; I always have. My mind was seriously created in the gutter (and it never left).. and everyone knows it. At this point I don’t even think my peeps pay attention to half  of the perverted shit that comes out of my mouth.

I’m not sure when I realized exactly just HOW into sex I was, but looking back at my track record, it sure does explain a lot. Sex isn’t something I wanted; it was something I needed and craved CONSTANTLY. I HAD to have it.. and if nobody was giving it to me, you damn right I was giving it to myself (Self Love is the BEST love: always has been, always will be).

Sex is (OBVIOUSLY) the reason I started this blog, ventured into selling sex toys, and it’s one of the main topics in my everyday life. I like to read about sex: not just what position is best for your zodiac sign, but why sex is good for you and what it does to your mind, body, soul and psyche. Some friends ask me for advice, and pretty much everyone feels very comfortable talking to me about their sex lives -> I live in a No Judgement Zone.

Someone sent me a link to this article via Elite Daily, and I couldn’t agree with the article more. It explains highly sexual women better than we can explain ourselves.

Below are the 11 points covered:

  1. When your boyfriend turns you down for sex, it hurts that much more

  2. You have more vibrators than Babeland
  3. Society will judge and shame you
  4. Men really don’t know what to make of you
  5. People will call you a sex addict
  6. All of your friends come to you for sex advice
  7. You make everything a sexual innuendo
  8. You can separate sex and love
  9. Pretty much anything is a turn on
  10. Sex is your therapy
  11. You stopped counting your number of sexual partners

All of these points are true.. especially numbers 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 & 11. LOL.
Read the entire article here.

-Dirty Diva

Where’d It Go?!

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“I was on this new co-ed softball team and found myself oddly attracted to this older guy on the team. He not only had salt and pepper hair and was about 15 years older than me, but he wasn’t even that attractive. Somehow I still found myself flirting with him. The more he ignored me, the more I wanted him.
One night, he invited the team over for a house party. I was ready to make my move. I dressed up in my sexiest outfit, made sure to wear my favorite sexy bra & underwear, and even packed a sleep over bag. THAT’s how confident I was.
At the party, I made an effort to ignore him and speak with his friends. I found him sniffing around me all night. At one point I went to the bathroom to check my makeup, and as I opened the door, he was right there. I snatched him, pulled him into the bathroom and closed the door. I rammed my tongue down his throat and grabbed his cock outside of his pants; he was rock hard.

After a few gropes and rubs, he pulled away, and said “Save this; don’t leave tonight”. Only a few minutes had passed when I realized he was ending the party and kicking everyone out. He pulled me into his bedroom and we tore each other’s clothes off. We fucked about 3x that night. After the third time, when he pulled out, we couldn’t find the condom. We looked everywhere. At first I was scared that it had stayed inside of me, and then I worried that he hadn’t used one and I did not notice.

In the wee hours of the morning, when I realized we had nothing left to say, I grabbed my jeans, heels and one of his t-shirts and headed home. At the time I was still living with my parents, so when I got back to their house in the am, the whole family was eating in the kitchen. I was in my walk of shame clothes, but they thought I stayed at one of my girlfriends crib, so I thought I was good. I chatted with them for a bit and went to the bathroom. As I was walking out of the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of something on me in the mirror. To my horror, there was the condom, stuck to the ass of my jeans with cum keeping it together. To this day, I will ever know if my family noticed it. LOL.”

– Dirty Diva

She-Hulk

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” I think my boyfriend and I had 1-2 years into our relationship. Around that the time he lived with his mother and brother in a two bedroom apartment.
Despite this scenario, we hardly ran into the issue of not being able to have sex.
Unfortunately, his sister who lived outside of NY got into a car accident and was temporarily in a wheelchair. For the time being, she had to come live with his mother until she was able to get back on her feet.
However, due to the lack of privacy (his sister was home 24/7 for obvious reasons, of course) we would go days without having sex. Can you imagine having no place to fuck (besides motels/hotels which we didn’t have the luxury to do on a daily basis)?! I didn’t have my own place, so that was out of the picture. He did have a car though, so we resorted to having incognito sex there, only at nights around the deserted areas on Riverside Drive.
At the beginning it was a joy ride for me, but it gradually started becoming a routine pattern which I despise (“routines”)! I needed a change of scene, excitement: anything!
Finally! It was a full house on a Saturday afternoon at his mother’s and the sex tension was on high. He got up to use the restroom, I followed.
We kiss as we simultaneously undo our pants, he turns me around and inserts his penis from the back. I’m facing the tile wall and using the towel holder outer rods as support. He’s pounding me like a jackhammer; I keep up with him as I furiously back it up even harder and feel his dick fulfilling every inch inside of me. The pounding continues and SNAP! We tumble few inches backwards, the sink thankfully stops us from falling, as well as the small size of the bathroom that we’re working with! I look down in my hands and see the right hand side of the towel holder rod! Huh? How can I?! The shit was super attached or glued or whatever source they used on the tile! I’ve always been told I’m a bit aggressive and strong but never to this magnitude!
Fortunately, he took the rap, his Puerto Rican mom gave him an earful of how he stays breaking things!
You won’t catch me doing like Mimi (Love & Hip Hop ATL) getting fucked as she hangs from the shower curtain rod- I’ll bring the whole roof down, hahaha! “
– Dirty Diva

What’s Your Name Again?

Ever have sex high? If you haven’t, you’re severely missing out. Now, if you’re not a smoker, then there’s not much you can do about it.. but just know that you are missing out on one of the best, most INTENSE feelings of your life.

My ex wasn’t a smoker. I took that title on proudly in our relationship. I wasn’t going to miss out on that action; that amazing feeling because he wasn’t about smoking a little ganja every now and again.

During one of our “breaks” (which ultimately ended up being our last), I showed up to his crib, ready for one last good hoo-rah. I had already smoked half a blunt earlier that evening, so I took my clip and walked over to make sure the last time was going to be the absolute BEST time.

I show up and he’s already drinking. Everything is going as well as it could it be, considering. He decides that tonight is the night he wants to experience what sex is while high. I let him hit my clip and realize almost immediately that it wasn’t a good idea. He seemed to have gotten a bad high. WHOOPS!

That wasn’t going to stop me from getting what I went there for. We move into the bedroom and I proceed to give him his last “BEST BLOWJOB OF HIS LIFE” – his words, not mine; although I’m def NOT disagreeing. I get on top and immediately start to move as if Usher’s “Seduction” or “That’s What It’s Made For” came on. I was IN MY ZONE.

I may have been a little TOOO into it, as I began fantasize about my chocolate lover. That’s not a problem, per say, but the issue arose after I convulsed and came all over his dick.

“Yo. Did you just say someone else’s name?”
“What?!”
“Did you say SOMEONE ELSE’S NAME?!”
“No! Baby that blunt got to you. Go get some water; you need it.”

I def did say someone else’s name though.. poor guy.

-Dirty Diva

What Makes a Grown Man Scream ?

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” My man is always joking around with me, telling me that he wants to cum on my face. You know my NEVER changing reply, right? OH HELLLLLL NO. That is NOT happening. I know not he just says it to get me going; he knows it gets me upset. To me that’s disrespectful, and I’m NOT having it.

Well, one day he kept messing around with me and telling me that it was going to happen sooner than I thought. Well I was prepared for it. Later on that night, he comes over and we are watching a movie when things start getting SUPER hot and heavy. I’m kissing him, hands in his pants. Ready to give him the blow job of his life.

I’m sucking like I’ve never sucked before. ‘Diablo baby – DIABLO. GOD I LOVE YOU. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. AAARRRGHHH JUST LIKE THAT. FUCK IM GONNA CUM. FUCK BABY IM GONNA CUM. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUU..’

He pulled out of my mouth right as he was going to release his delicious load, but I knew what was going to happen. I shoved his penis upward and it shot right into his eye.

I’ve never seen a grown man scream like a bitch, but there’s a first time for everything. It was by far the funniest thing I’ve encountered sexually. It burned and his eye was irritated for a few days, but hey at least he learned his lesson. Never threaten to cum in your girls eye if you don’t want a taste of your own medicine.”

– Dirty Diva

Khloe’s Take On Anal

I must say I agree!

You tell’em Khlo-Money!

– Dirty Diva

Hairy Situation

Oh man, curiosity did kill the cat that one summer…well, maybe not the summer more so with that one guy. Ha! I started hanging out with my first everything this one particular summer. I had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time and was in no hurry to be in another relationship. So I was hanging and partying. I guess to let go of my sorrows? Blah!

Anyhow, back to the matter at hand. I bumped into my first love and we exchanged numbers. There was something still there between us… well, between my legs and him. I was curious to see how he performed now, because back then we were both newbies. I mean, now that we have a few years of sex under our belt, wouldn’t you be curious to see how your first was? No? Well I was.

So, we set out to hang that night. After many drinks we were in his bed; oh the memories. We were twisted, very passionate, and fast! His manhood stood at attention the minute I touched him. Oh my, how we’ve grown! I licked my lips, I immediately took him all in my mouth: delicious. He moved me quick on top of him and boy I rode his mouth like no other.  I didn’t want to cum yet so I begged him to fuck me… he obliged. It was quick and I was fine with that- I mean after the foreplay I just had…shiet! He asked me to stay so we can be each other’s breakfast. I declined and went home. What the fuck did I do? I should have never gone up there! But that was a good fast drunken fuck.

A week passes and between the texts and calls, he wants it again. “Sure, come over.” So I open the door, naked, he takes me kisses me passionately, I smelled his lust. “Take it all off!” I demanded. I look up in anticipation to see the beautiful specimen I only felt the first time, as it was dark, but I was just disgusted. In my face, a black bush and peeking out… the stem I so lustfully sucked. Why, oh Why?!! Couldn’t you shave?!! Did we not schedule this?!!! I shaved, YOU could’ve at LEAST trimmed!!! I was horny so I told him to hurry up and fuck me. I was not in the mood but his man was at attention. He had to cum down and my mouth was not blowing him! So no foreplay like last time, no wet pussy! Just a hard dick, turned off bitch and a lubricated condom.

Disappointment to say the least. I stopped fucking him after that. He kept calling, but I moved on. ‘Thanks, but no thanks.’ My kitty was curious and very disappointed. Ugh.

#Bushchronicles #hygieneproblems #hairysituation #nest #besttoleavethepastalone

~MonAlovin~

A Little Pain Neva’ Hurt Anybody… Right?

Unique-bedroom-headboards

He could have been straight out of Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. Tall, muscular blonde hair, blue eyes; it was lust at first sight. Okay, it really wasn’t (we were friends first), but once I saw him in that light… man did the lust smack me across the face.

After years of friendship (and both of us convincing ourselves that we weren’t into one another), it just kind of fell into place. We decided to give it a try and so far, things have been going pretty well. We’ve gone out on a few dates; we’re getting to know each other on “that level”, and are seriously enjoying the major make out sessions. Oh, and the sex is AWESOME.

On this one particular night, he comes over to my place to hang. I’ve prepared a few drinks (Whiskey, of course) and we are in my room, hangin out; talkin’ shit. Clearly one thing led to another, and next thing you know, I’m on top of him, make out session in full force. Remember I said he was tall and muscular? Well, he’s 6’6. I stand at a cool 5’2. Petite, too.

So here we are, on my bed, ready to GET IT ON. In one swift motion with his right hand, he takes me and slides me up so that I can sit on his face (probably my favorite thing about him; that man can EAT). Maybe it was because he was drunk and forgot how strong he is (and how small I am), he moved me a little too quickly and I went head first into my headboard. Banged up my nose and upper lip. I thought I chipped a tooth, it HURT SO BAD. He immediately apologized and went to get me some ice. I swear I heard him laughing in the kitchen. He came back, with the ice and the whiskey I told him to bring me. After I got over the embarrassment, we laughed it off and got down to business.

It wasn’t that bad in retrospect. I only have a nice little bruise on my lip now as a memory of that very fun night.

– Dirty Diva

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