Category Archives: Funny Not Funny

Hungry Gorilla Bastard

 

Just in time for Way Back Wednesday …
Hungry Gorilla
“I had been talking to this guy for about 3 months and he just had a birthday. I didn’t think much of this guy in terms of his looks. He was skinny, hairy, smelled a little funny and just plain ugly. What had attracted me was that he was kind to me and was easy to talk to. I mean ugly people need love too, right?
I decided to cut class with him and go to his house. This was all my idea. Bad little girl I was. I thought it would be a nice birthday gift for him and an experience for me. He was gonna be the second guy I have sex with and I hoped for success. The guy I had lost it to before was never able to give me an orgasm or give me a hint of pleasure. I had hoped that this guy would be able to.
On our way to his house, he asked if I wanted something to eat. I told him: “No thanks”. He himself was hungry and I was shocked he didn’t eat anything. He loved to eat and was always eating, as a matter of fact, but I guess he just went with the flow. We just went straight to his house, where no one was home, or expected to be home, until the evening.
We popped Dirty Dancing into the DVD player (My choice of film). We were in his living room surrounded by photos of him family and dolls his mother use to collect. We started to make out, and it was those make out sessions where you know you’re gonna get some, lots of tongue and intense, as we sat on a Lazy Boy chair from the 80’s. I thought “this is it”. I was completely ready. I shaved my cookie, my armpits, legs, even my ass crack (not for back door action but just because I wanted to be hairless and perfect). I thought we could do it on the chair to be more exciting but he decided to move to his room halfway through getting naked. I left my shoes, jeans and top in the living room. He carried my fat ass to his room, which was awkward, but again, I wanted a full blown romantic experience. This again was suppose to be his birthday gift, but why couldn’t I have things done for me too. Shit, I mean he was ugly. He was lucky to have me.
It was time. We were on the double bed. He was on top of me we kissed heavily until he put on a condom. He was getting in the mood by rubbing his penis on my pussy lips. I was happy he wasn’t small like the other guy. I just kept thinking: “I can’t wait to cum”. He put my hand on his cock. ‘This is thicker’ – I thought. I would jerk it a little bit and give it back to him. LOL. Thinking about it now, I guess he wanted me to stick it in myself, but I didn’t get that back then. Finally he put it in and was moving.
After about 3 minutes he stops.
I asked him: “What’s wrong?”.
He looked up at me and said: “I can’t keep going.”
I thought he came, but then he says “I’m hungry”.
He did not mean hungry for a mouthful of vagina or ass. He was hungry for food. He gave me a quick hug or whatever and hopped off. I had no choice but to stay wet and horny while he ate some cereal. Yes, this happened. This happened to me.
Later on after all that ‘excitement’ we were still not dressed. I decided to hop on myself and make this happen. We already made the effort to cut class and get that alone time in. I hopped on his dick and started riding it. He moaned and made love faces and slapped the condom on. I thought ‘okay, this is good’. Then the apartment door opened. We were no longer alone and my orgasm goal failed. We never attempted to fuck again and I just deaded him completely. Happy birthday you hungry gorilla bastard.”
-Dirty Diva

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“I was talking to this dude for a little bit a while back. Always came to see me, took me out; all that jazz. He said he was single; had broken up w his bitch a bit before we started talking. He showed me no reason to not believe him, so I was game.

He came over this one specific night, looking and smelling just how I liked. I poured him and I some Henny, so you already know how that goes: flirtin’, jonesin’; the whole 9. We begin making out; its gettin hot and heavy REAL QUICK. Next thing you know, he slammed me against my wall.

Something I should mention about myself- I thoroughly enjoy ROUGH SEX. The rougher the better (makes misbehaving so much more fun) and with him, the sex was INCREDIBLE. He pulled the shit out of my hair, and bit me all over. I’d wake up with bruises all over my body (reminiscing now actually has me a little wet). This night was no different. My inner thighs- bruised; my nipples- bit up and slightly bruised. We are fucking like rabbits, and holy FUCK does it feel good. He is so deep in me, fucking me so intensely I swear I came about 4 times.

We go to bed soon after the fuckathon and he is dead asleep. I mean, who wouldn’t be? This guy was so far gone that I don’t think even a bomb going off would wake him. It was super late, and I’m drifting off, when I hear banging at my front door. I tip toed to the door, because I don’t know WHO THE FUCK is banging at this time at night. Then I hear it: “Yeah, she lives right there when you get off the steps.”

Some chick is outside my door, pacing back and forth, talkin to someone while I’m staring through the peephole. She banged a few more times, said “Nah, they aren’t here” and left. By that point I had put two and two together. I walk back to my bedroom, tapped homeboy on this shoulders, and when he didn’t budge I said: “Do you know your girl was just here knocking on my door?”

He got up SHOOK, thew all on his clothes on and crawled down my fire escape.”

– Dirty Diva

Today I Fucked Up.

Today’s HILARIOUS post is from a post my brother found on Reddit.com.

(FYI -> TIFU stands for: Today I Fucked Up)
(BTW -> I cried TEARS from laughing so much.)

” TIFU when I decided that I would try to be extra sexy while going down on my boyfriend. As he was close to climaxing, I tried (partially successfully) to deep throat him to give him that extra oomph. Well, I managed to gag right as he was finishing.

Cough…sputter…Snort.

While he’s in the throes of ecstasy, I have cum shooting out of my nose and tears running out of my eyes (Semen in the sinuses burns).

I’m trying to sniffle it back in quietly and cover the lower half of my face. Me: “Was it good for you?” sniff. Sniff. SNIFFFFFFFFFF–Hand still over the face, trying to hide it and act as normally as possible. I pretended everything went exactly how it was meant to.

Him (trying not to laugh, because he completely knew what had just happened, even though I was still in denial): “Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

Me: “Yes please”

I spent the next ten minutes trying to rinse what could have been my children out of my nose. “

See the comments to her post HERE.

Welcome to Today I Fucked Up, a community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Let us make each other feel better about ourselves.” – Reddit.

– Dirty Diva

Teasing up to NO GOOD.

We hit it off from the jump. I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I mean; I just got out of a relationship. Ain’t nobody got time for that! He wasn’t looking either! Great, so lets talk!

We talk for days via AIM, phone, and text. Good mornings and good nights. Sexual innuendos; Lord Jesus let him be well endowed because our talks were on fire!

We finally go on our official first date. He was so sweet and so playful. Flirting, nibbling, kissing here and there but that is where it stopped. No booty loving.. and that’s fine. I didn’t think anything of it; I had to go home anyways.

We continued our talks and met up a couple of times after. Went to bars, clubs, and to the movies together. Most of the time he would stay in my house. We would cuddle, kiss, dry hump. After the third sleepover I was already planning on getting his drawers.

That night we get into it hot and heavy. His fingers dancing in my insides, drenched in my juices while our tongues play. I am at a point where I just want his massive cock in me. I tell him-in between our tongues wrestling- “I want you in me. I want to cum on him.” He keeps playing in my insides and I push off as I want his cock! I spring it free and look for the condom. He is happy as well, shining with pre-cum and throbbin’ for my kiss or warm cover.

I was excited. This man looks good, smells good, kisses good, feels amazing, and his cock is larger than life! okay maybe I am going a lil overboard. But I wanted him!

Just when I think I am going to have my fuck on…he stops me and says, “I can’t.”

WayWat?!

“You are a good girl; I don’t want to turn you..”

WayWat!?  “My man, all I want is your SEX!”

I’m horny as fuck now; my juices all on his fingers. I’m looking at his cock as he puts it away. To top it off, he has the audacity to LICK MY JUICES off of his fingers. Tells me “not now; too soon.” I’m a “good girl”. “Be patient.”

Im dumbfounded. no words!

I showered, waxed, had sexy undies on and he is in is briefs all snug.

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!  You DO NOT turn this down…You FUCK!”

So I did what any horny, in need person would, I made myself cum… in front of him. He just stared in shock. I saw his manhood rising again. I came faster and hard, I licked my own juices off, kissed him goodnight and went to bed. He laid there in disbelief.. what good girl?!

 

Don’t mess with a horny woman’s feelings!

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~MonAlovin~

 

 

What Makes a Grown Man Scream ?

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” My man is always joking around with me, telling me that he wants to cum on my face. You know my NEVER changing reply, right? OH HELLLLLL NO. That is NOT happening. I know not he just says it to get me going; he knows it gets me upset. To me that’s disrespectful, and I’m NOT having it.

Well, one day he kept messing around with me and telling me that it was going to happen sooner than I thought. Well I was prepared for it. Later on that night, he comes over and we are watching a movie when things start getting SUPER hot and heavy. I’m kissing him, hands in his pants. Ready to give him the blow job of his life.

I’m sucking like I’ve never sucked before. ‘Diablo baby – DIABLO. GOD I LOVE YOU. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. AAARRRGHHH JUST LIKE THAT. FUCK IM GONNA CUM. FUCK BABY IM GONNA CUM. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUU..’

He pulled out of my mouth right as he was going to release his delicious load, but I knew what was going to happen. I shoved his penis upward and it shot right into his eye.

I’ve never seen a grown man scream like a bitch, but there’s a first time for everything. It was by far the funniest thing I’ve encountered sexually. It burned and his eye was irritated for a few days, but hey at least he learned his lesson. Never threaten to cum in your girls eye if you don’t want a taste of your own medicine.”

– Dirty Diva

Khloe’s Take On Anal

I must say I agree!

You tell’em Khlo-Money!

– Dirty Diva

He’s Cumming.. BullsEYE

BullsEye!

Think pink eye and add on the burn of a new cut. YEA, that’s what it felt like! I was so livid, my eyes did not recover for TWO DAYS!! Sigh, lets go back to the beginning.

Okay, so my boyfriend and I were at the dorm apartments all alone and very in need of fucking. Like, lets skip the foreplay because she is already wet. He is penetrating me in every direction, I ride him, he pulls my hair…the whole nine. He whispers in my ear…”I want to cum on you”. I’m in the zone so I say “Yes, let me see your cum baby”. Then he says, “I want it on your mouth; see you lick it off.” I’m almost cumming so… “yes baby anything!

Aaarrgggghhh!!” My orgasm was cut short as his cum shoots over my mouth and onto my fucking eye! I never pushed a guy so hard off of me. It burned, it stung and it wasn’t even anal! He laughed as he apologized. I mean it was kind of funny how he missed his aim, he was a basketball player- a damn good point guard at that. How did he miss?

Walked around with a swollen eye for two days in school, shades on in winter. Smdh…the shit one does when under orgasmic pleasure.

~MonAlovin~

Hairy Situation

Oh man, curiosity did kill the cat that one summer…well, maybe not the summer more so with that one guy. Ha! I started hanging out with my first everything this one particular summer. I had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time and was in no hurry to be in another relationship. So I was hanging and partying. I guess to let go of my sorrows? Blah!

Anyhow, back to the matter at hand. I bumped into my first love and we exchanged numbers. There was something still there between us… well, between my legs and him. I was curious to see how he performed now, because back then we were both newbies. I mean, now that we have a few years of sex under our belt, wouldn’t you be curious to see how your first was? No? Well I was.

So, we set out to hang that night. After many drinks we were in his bed; oh the memories. We were twisted, very passionate, and fast! His manhood stood at attention the minute I touched him. Oh my, how we’ve grown! I licked my lips, I immediately took him all in my mouth: delicious. He moved me quick on top of him and boy I rode his mouth like no other.  I didn’t want to cum yet so I begged him to fuck me… he obliged. It was quick and I was fine with that- I mean after the foreplay I just had…shiet! He asked me to stay so we can be each other’s breakfast. I declined and went home. What the fuck did I do? I should have never gone up there! But that was a good fast drunken fuck.

A week passes and between the texts and calls, he wants it again. “Sure, come over.” So I open the door, naked, he takes me kisses me passionately, I smelled his lust. “Take it all off!” I demanded. I look up in anticipation to see the beautiful specimen I only felt the first time, as it was dark, but I was just disgusted. In my face, a black bush and peeking out… the stem I so lustfully sucked. Why, oh Why?!! Couldn’t you shave?!! Did we not schedule this?!!! I shaved, YOU could’ve at LEAST trimmed!!! I was horny so I told him to hurry up and fuck me. I was not in the mood but his man was at attention. He had to cum down and my mouth was not blowing him! So no foreplay like last time, no wet pussy! Just a hard dick, turned off bitch and a lubricated condom.

Disappointment to say the least. I stopped fucking him after that. He kept calling, but I moved on. ‘Thanks, but no thanks.’ My kitty was curious and very disappointed. Ugh.

#Bushchronicles #hygieneproblems #hairysituation #nest #besttoleavethepastalone

~MonAlovin~

A Little Pain Neva’ Hurt Anybody… Right?

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He could have been straight out of Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. Tall, muscular blonde hair, blue eyes; it was lust at first sight. Okay, it really wasn’t (we were friends first), but once I saw him in that light… man did the lust smack me across the face.

After years of friendship (and both of us convincing ourselves that we weren’t into one another), it just kind of fell into place. We decided to give it a try and so far, things have been going pretty well. We’ve gone out on a few dates; we’re getting to know each other on “that level”, and are seriously enjoying the major make out sessions. Oh, and the sex is AWESOME.

On this one particular night, he comes over to my place to hang. I’ve prepared a few drinks (Whiskey, of course) and we are in my room, hangin out; talkin’ shit. Clearly one thing led to another, and next thing you know, I’m on top of him, make out session in full force. Remember I said he was tall and muscular? Well, he’s 6’6. I stand at a cool 5’2. Petite, too.

So here we are, on my bed, ready to GET IT ON. In one swift motion with his right hand, he takes me and slides me up so that I can sit on his face (probably my favorite thing about him; that man can EAT). Maybe it was because he was drunk and forgot how strong he is (and how small I am), he moved me a little too quickly and I went head first into my headboard. Banged up my nose and upper lip. I thought I chipped a tooth, it HURT SO BAD. He immediately apologized and went to get me some ice. I swear I heard him laughing in the kitchen. He came back, with the ice and the whiskey I told him to bring me. After I got over the embarrassment, we laughed it off and got down to business.

It wasn’t that bad in retrospect. I only have a nice little bruise on my lip now as a memory of that very fun night.

– Dirty Diva

Blow Him Already!

So… my mom left on vacation for the summer. Left my older sister in charge of the house, and me. I didn’t mind because my older sister was cool and hung out with my friends and I at times. This one particular day, my cousins and friends were hanging in the house. I went to the bedroom to use the phone and the guy I was messing with followed me in. We were drinking, but we were young so our alcohol tolerance wasn’t that high. As I am on the phone with my sister, he is kissing me, my lips, my neck… and then grabs my little itty bitty titties. I tell my sister: “I have to go!” and she screams out “Ay just suck his dick already!” We all start laughing but as I hung up, I thought to myself “why not?” I mean I’m not going to give him my virginity, so why not do oral before I let his dick fuck me. I was a virgin, but I was a curious little girl. Out of my rat pack of four I was the only one left to have sex, but I didn’t want to give it to him just yet (and never did). As sexy as he was, something said no bitch!

Anywho, he must have been thinking the same because he was starting to give me reasons why should… no, WE should give head. Yea, he wasn’t going down… but I didn’t care. He dropped his pants and WOW! My first real Dick encounter up close and personal. Looked clean, smelled clean… how does it taste? This is my first time… how do I suck it? Lick and suck like a lollipop? Grab balls? I have seen bits of porn before; should I do like “Debbie Does Dallas?” STFU and just do it, I said to myself.  I put him gently in my mouth and he began face fucking me.  I did my best to imitate “Debbie.” Grabbed his balls gently, licked his hard dick, tongue played with his tip (that really got him). I gagged a couple of times, produced too much saliva, and stopped a couple of times to breathe. I liked the taste and I started to get the hang of it but as he started moanin’, almost cumming, the door to my room opened.

SHIT!

YES, my cousin walked in on me giving oral. I was so embarrassed; of course he wasn’t. My cousin closed the door as quickly as she opened it. I didn’t want to continue, he did. I was mortified. All I heard was laughter out in the living room. Fuck! I left him with blue balls. I know, so mean of me. I made up for it twice after. Was it ever reciprocated? Nope. After that summer of 98′ we went our separate ways.

To this day I still get teased on the walk in… jokes on me. lol.

~MonaLovin’~

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